There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
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The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.