*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
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“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Worth a try
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.