*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

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Of course every kiss begins with k. That’s how the English language works, stupid.


Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.


[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.


Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.


“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?


Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?


[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]


“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.


I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.


My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.