Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?