I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
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When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.