“Expert Namer Guy”
You the dude that named anteater?
I got a bug. Not moving. Has wings though.
*muffled* oh he’s good

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ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.


“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”


Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?




sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school


I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.


If you’re single.

Just have patience.

Your soulmate is almost done with those divorce papers.


Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic