@Sickayduh

[Ring]
“Expert Namer Guy”
You the dude that named anteater?
“Yep”
I got a bug. Not moving. Has wings though.
“Mayfly”
*muffled* oh he’s good

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@sofarrsogud

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

@dragonsorbet

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

@Scottzilla667

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

@

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@Trillburne

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

@FSUSteve

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

@Hill2Stephi

If you’re single.

Just have patience.

Your soulmate is almost done with those divorce papers.

@horselythighs

Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic