I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.
Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline
Me: Help please
Her: Ok sir. Let’s take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out
Me: THIS ISN’T HELPING
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ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread
[Giving a toast]
“It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident.”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes
What do you call the yellow ones?
And the black ones?
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
what idiot called it a fly swatter and not a splatula?