@Mr_Kapowski

*ring*
Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline

Me: Help please

Her: Ok sir. Let’s take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out

Me: THIS ISN’T HELPING

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@shkeeber

I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.

@SurgicalTurtle

ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread

@Jay_FrickinLynn

[Giving a toast]
“It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident.”

@215potter

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

@Annoyinglyhappy

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes

@OhNoSheTwitnt

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

@Mom_Overboard

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

@teeaysmith

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…