[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
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The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery