I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
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Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.