[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
stop
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer