Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
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In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.