*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

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What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!


When you are incorrectly taken for someone else: Mistaken identity

When there’s a spelling error in your ID card: Mistake in identity

When an unmarried woman steals your identity: Miss taking identity


Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.


Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …


It’s late and I’m wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now.

I’d call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow.


*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.


Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true


It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”


Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.