@DanMentos

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

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@daemonic3

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

@Alex_Houseof308

When you are incorrectly taken for someone else: Mistaken identity

When there’s a spelling error in your ID card: Mistake in identity

When an unmarried woman steals your identity: Miss taking identity

@HatfieldAnne

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

@volks__

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

@Sickayduh

It’s late and I’m wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now.

I’d call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow.

@BGH70

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

@ArfMeasures

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

@unmehlievable

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.