Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.

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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for


I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.


[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?


TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…


My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.


DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*


I told myself that I wouldn’t drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.


At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”


[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming