@GaryJanetti

Rio just listed a slightly used Olympic stadium on eBay.

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@itsmovies

In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.

@panmidwest

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

@JennyPentland

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

@Vodkantots

“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”

-no girl, ever

@dave_cactus

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

@AngelaEhh

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

@mexinonblonde

This is just the most tragical thing that has ever happened to me.

-Me eating tofu

@Adar79Angie

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

@BlindChow

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ???

INTERVIEWER: holy shit