My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
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[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women