In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.
Rio just listed a slightly used Olympic stadium on eBay.
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[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”
-no girl, ever
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
This is just the most tragical thing that has ever happened to me.
-Me eating tofu
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit