Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
You Might Also Like
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating