@adamochoa

RIP 2012 (2012-2012)

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@errdayhustlah

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

@dubstep4dads

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

@ThisOneSayz

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

@daemonic3

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

@CelebrityChez

If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

@LMLMadness

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

@KeetPotato

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]