Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
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[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Wait for it
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
#MeanwhileInCanada
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.