RIP 2012 (2012-2012)

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I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.


Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.


Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me


Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I’m dying!

Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!


[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family


What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.


I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count


Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish


Common courtesy: don’t bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.


Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that