@sirchutney

RIP boiling water.

You will be mist.

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@dogfather

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Just take a day off

@Paxochka

Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.

WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?

@Sassafrantz

Doctor: where does it hurt?
Me: [shows him an empty bag of Cheetos]

@IamJackBoot

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

@PowKapowBoom

My cat is stuck in a Cheeto bag and I’m really pissed that I didn’t think of that first.

@SortaBad

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

@Breadery

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

@BoutCrazed

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.