RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
You Might Also Like
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.