I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.