[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”