RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
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date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?