RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
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If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Yup.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
choose your fighter
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I have a black belt in leather
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.