RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
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parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
dictator is short for richard potato
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”