RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
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“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol