@awescar

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

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@iGreenMonk

When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

@SortaBad

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

@sixfootcandy

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

@rivetingbonmots

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

@weinerdog4life

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

@pixelatedboat

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

@SteveKoehler22

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

@TrinaBadu

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2018. Im already at $6.23

@Token_Geezer

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

@DimpleThakkar

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.