*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.