Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
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Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?