new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
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Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
good for her
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
when someone rings the doorbell
liiiiiiiiike