I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
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Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Why is this me 😫
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers