NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *
*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *
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Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga