@Eden_Eats

*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *

*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *

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@OllyiConic

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

@LostFelicia

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

@LizerReal

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

@MarfSalvador

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

@BuckyIsotope

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

@i_wasnt_looking

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

@Robert_Beau

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga