@briangaar

*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here

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@StinkyGr33n

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

@_steamy_mac

Her: I like you.
Me: I’m a complete psycho, none of this is an act. Godspeed.

@Brampersandon_

DAD: u can grow up to be anything u want
ME: imma be a hamster
D: ok not that
M: *already building an elaborate series of tubes to run thru*

@ArfMeasures

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

@msdanifernandez

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

@paulrust

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

@HousewifeOfHell

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

@QwertyJones3

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

@TheTweetOfGod

All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?