*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here

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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”


Her: I like you.
Me: I’m a complete psycho, none of this is an act. Godspeed.


DAD: u can grow up to be anything u want
ME: imma be a hamster
D: ok not that
M: *already building an elaborate series of tubes to run thru*


ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit


Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex


The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.


The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.


Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.


All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?