[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
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Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
this is the best interaction on twitter
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
having children is a pyramid scheme.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.