Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.