Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”