RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
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HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Cow it started Cow it’s going
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.