I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
You Might Also Like
I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.
BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.