Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
twitter users today:
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Education is vital
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine