Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

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There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”


Ex: Holy skinny jeans!

Me: They are new. Like them?

Ex: Sure…

Me: What?

Ex: Should a woman your age wear those?

Divorce Reason 509


I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.


I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.


The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.


HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda bc she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*


Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.


“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”


Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we’re all vampires.


Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn’t be arguing…