@TheAlexP

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

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@Lakelandr

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

@callie_cakes

Ex: Holy skinny jeans!

Me: They are new. Like them?

Ex: Sure…

Me: What?

Ex: Should a woman your age wear those?

Divorce Reason 509

@Squizbot

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

@TheDeadfishSays

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

@ramblinma

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda bc she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

@Danny_McH2O

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

@AmishPornStar1

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

@daplusk

Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we’re all vampires.

@Darchstar007

Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn’t be arguing…