Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
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yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Yup!
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.