[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
You Might Also Like
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Monica just destroyed the internet
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.