HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven’t decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.
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Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me and 20 koalas: *blank stare
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.