Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
That’s not how days work.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Me in tagged photos
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.