[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
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You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
OMG 🤣🤣
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars