@SortaBad

Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves

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@MauriceBlitz

I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could’ve napped and didn’t.

@invalaid

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

@globetrottgirl

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

@GinAndJif

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

@fart

what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person

@Matt_the_1st

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

@QwertyJones3

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.