I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could’ve napped and didn’t.
Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.