ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I triple waxed for this?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Me, reading some of your tweets
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
One venti cheeseburger please.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.