@hippieswordfish

robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers
robber 2: huh?
robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*

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@TweetPotato314

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

@LilyRoseLynn

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

@saucy_peaches

Marriage tips

1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
5.
6. Don’t get married

@MomofTeen

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

@batkaren

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

@TheBoydP

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

@KayArePea

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.