doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers
robber 2: huh?
robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*
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I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.
1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
6. Don’t get married
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.