robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
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One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???