@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

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@Jez1

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

@mom_ontherocks

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

@Prof_Hinkley

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

@TheCiscoKidder

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

@UberFacts

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

@starringmichell

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

@JB4Realz

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*