My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
This meal prepping shit easy
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*