robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt