[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”