robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
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*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I’ve been drinking.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break