“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday