Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
You Might Also Like
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.