My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
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My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20