Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
You Might Also Like
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
where the womens at?
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.