Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
◾️
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.