Just when you think parenting can’t be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can’t get a squirrel to hug him.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
You can’t control how people treat you but you can control your reaction, I say as I gently lower you into your grave