Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos


Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.


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I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.


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You can’t control how people treat you but you can control your reaction, I say as I gently lower you into your grave