@aveuaskew

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

You Might Also Like

@ValeeGrrl

Just when you think parenting can’t be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can’t get a squirrel to hug him.

@MattOswaltVA

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

@LostCatDog

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

@illiter8too

Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.

@wildethingy

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

@weinerdog4life

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

@ShawnHatosy

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

@not_delicate

You can’t control how people treat you but you can control your reaction, I say as I gently lower you into your grave