Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god