Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??