You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
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How much of this “no more tears” shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
HER: I want to have sex so badly
ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Tabasco (Tabby for short)