@ArfMeasures

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

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@Henry_3k

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

@mrtruthandsoul

How much of this “no more tears” shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

@NourHadidi

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

@CovertAgentP

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

@OMGSoOverIt

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

@thedadvocate01

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard