Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
You Might Also Like
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
road rage
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party