ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
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Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
They must have gotten it to go.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.